Baby Blues
by lovelikeher
Summary: If the pregnancy test had been positive on that holiday, what would Jay and Abi have done? How would they have coped? Jay/Abi fic.
1. Chapter 1

a/n: there's not enough eastenders fanfiction in this world, especially jay/abi. so here we are.

"_I think I'm pregnant."_

She hadn't been able to look him in the eye ever since those life-altering words had fallen from her lips. That had been yesterday, and they hadn't even spoke since she'd walked away after dropping that bombshell on him. The others had returned and she'd avoided him all night; by the time he'd joined her in bed, she'd pretended to be asleep and eventually woke to an empty bed. That didn't stop him from calling her constantly, even if those calls had gone unanswered. Now, they were left alone.

She didn't know what to do, or say. But she did know that she couldn't avoid him forever though she was planning on doing so for as long as possible. Not that it lasted long; he caught her up to her a lot quicker than she was hoping. She needed time, couldn't he say that? She couldn't have a baby! Abi was the sensible one, the one who was supposed to go far and do great things. None of that included being a teen mother. Her parents would kill her, she would have to give up everything that she'd been working for - maybe she was getting ahead of herself, but she couldn't help it. The very second she'd realized just how late she was, her mind had flooded with all those dreams crashing around her. She didn't want to be stuck in Walford for the rest of her life, working some dead-end job that she hated, all because of a mistake she made as a teenager. And she couldn't even bear to think about the effect it could potentially have on her relationship with Jay.

They had to talk, she knew that. She didn't even know what he was thinking. Would he want her to keep it? Or would he run for the hills? No, she knew he would never do that. Jay would never leave her to get through this on her own. But that didn't seem to make it any easier. He had no reason to leave her anyway; if she was pregnant, she knew that she wouldn't keep it. There was no way.

And it wasn't just because of her dreams. Of course, her future was a huge part of that decision, but what could they offer a child? Nothing. They were just kids themselves! They both still lived with their families, and sure he had a job, but that wasn't going to be enough for them to give their baby the life it would deserve. She wanted kids, with Jay of course, but not like this. She wanted to be married, with a nice house and a decent job - she wanted to be settled, which was something she never was as a child. Her parents ripped into each other constantly, neither of them were ever truly happy, no matter what they said. It was affair after affair, lie after lie. And Abi firmly believed that it was all because they started too young. Her mother was just older than Abi is now when she had her first kid, and looked how that worked out for her. Lauren was an alcoholic and her (ex)husband was an accidental-almost-bigamist. And she didn't want that kind of life.

A couple of hours later, she had the pregnancy test in hand. It was almost funny, she thought, how a little white stick could change your life in a matter of minutes. Perhaps she would have found it within herself to laugh if it weren't for the conversation she'd just had. She could barely believe the way that he'd gone on about being a father, as if this was something that he'd been wanting! She'd expected her to be supportive if she decided to keep it, but for him to actually _want _this? For him to get angry when she implied that she _didn't _want it? It was insane. Clearly, he wasn't thinking straight if he thought they would be able to raise a child. She was seventeen year old, for crying out loud! They were both still teenagers, they couldn't provide for a kid. More importantly, they couldn't be happy whilst raising a kid…

….. _Could _they?

No. No, of course not. That was a ridiculous thought. She was just second-guessing herself now, that's all. Sure, Jay would say now that he wouldn't walk out on her and this baby. But how he could be certain? He didn't know how he would feel about her a few years down the line, especially with a baby in tow. A baby changed things; they wouldn't be their own people anymore. She would be someone's mother, he would be someone's father. That baby would rely on nobody but them. Neither of them were ready for that kind of responsibility, or commitment. Even if he had proposed to her when she fifteen, but that's a different story. They weren't ready for this.

All the thoughts in her head were making these four minutes the worst of her life. She knew Jay was still waiting outside which, actually, helped comfort her a lot. Knowing that he was probably feeling the same as she was right now, but the conversation they would have to have after? She wasn't looking forward to it, no matter the result.

The result that she could only pray was negative.

Knowing that Jay was probably praying for the exact opposite of that stripped all of that comfort away.

Whatever the result of this test, how were they going to get through this? She didn't think her aborting their baby without his approval would improve their relationship. And, keeping the baby? Wasn't even an option. If this test was negative, all of that would still be out in the open. They were living in two separate worlds; she was facing reality and he was in a dreamland, as far as she was concerned.

Her train of thought was lost when her phone buzzed, the timer signaling that it was time. She took a deep breath, fighting back the urge to cry. The tears could wait until after she knew. Picking up the white stick, her heart was in her throat as she turned it over.

_** Positive**_.


	2. Chapter 2

Jay didn't even know how long he'd been waiting outside, sat on the solid tree stump. His heart was practically pounding out of his body, knowing that his life could possibly change forever within the next few minutes.

He'd considered getting up and going to check on Abi a few times, but he didn't want to seem like he was rushing her. As much as he wanted to know the result, he knew that they wanted completely different things.

He wanted this baby. He would love it, take care of it; this baby would be the world to him.

But to Abi, it would be a nightmare.

And, honestly, that scared him just as much as the idea of a baby did. Which might sound ridiculous, but he couldn't help it. She would terminate their baby - without so much as a second thought.

He knew that he would just have to deal with it, if that was what she wanted. Not that she would go through with it. There's no way she would be able to do that.

At least, he didn't think she would. But he didn't seem to know her at all anymore. And she didn't seem to know him either. He would never walk out on her and the baby, never! No matter what happened, he would never just abandon her.

Not to mention the fact that she expected him to be okay if she aborted this baby.

He didn't know if there even was a baby yet, for crying out loud. How long did it take to take a pregnancy test? She'd been in there for at least 15 minutes. Surely it didn't take that long to pee on a stick?

As if perfectly on cue, he heard a door shut and looked up to see her coming towards him. Her eyes were puffy, her make-up was stained and blotchy; she'd been crying. Sobbing her heart out by the looks of things.

Immediately, he stood up and quickly approached her. When she didn't say anything, he raised an eyebrow. "Well?"

Before he knew it, she shoved the pregnancy test into his hand.

"Congratulations, _Daddy_."

She said it with such spite and malice that he barely recognized her. And just like that, she was walking away. But all he could focus on as he looked down at the stick was that one word.

... Daddy.

* * *

><p>She didn't think she had any more tears left to cry. But apparently, she thought wrong because all she could do as she walked away was cry.<p>

As soon as she'd seen the result, her body had been wracked with uncontrollable sobs. She wanted Jay; she wanted his comforting arms and words of reassurance, but she couldn't bring herself to leave the cubicle. She knew what he would say - it was a good thing, the best thing, he would say. And she would have to break his heart. She would have to shatter his good, kind, beautiful heart into a million pieces. All because she was too much of a coward, a selfish one at that, to give up on everything she'd wanted for so long.

She was terrified, period. She couldn't even look her boyfriend in the eye as she handed him proof of their situation. God, she couldn't even say the words out loud! And he was going to hate her.

The love of her life was going to hate her.

The realization only made her tears fall down her cheeks even quicker. Overwhelmed by everything she was feeling, she fell back against the nearest tree and slid to the ground. To hell with her light dress.

Jay hadn't come after her, and she honestly couldn't blame him. They both knew what the other was thinking, and they both hated it. No doubt he would try to convince her to keep it, - and she knew that he would be able to. She was weak, especially with him. She knew that all those doubts would go away, that she would be blinded of a happy life with him. And she couldn't let that happen.

She had to be the good one. The sensible one; the sister with her head screwed on. Her parents couldn't deal with an alcoholic and a teenage mother for daughters. Lauren was the one who made mistakes, not Abi. This wasn't supposed to happen to her! She was going to Uni, she was going to be a vet and she was going to give her parents a daughter to proud of.

They wouldn't be proud of a tart.

But she could make this all go away, just by a quick trip to the clinic. That's all it would take; her future would be fine and her parents would forget all about it. They didn't even need to find out; nobody did.

Apart from Jay. What would this do to them? Would he really hate her? Even if he didn't, this will undoubtedly have an effect on their relationship. It was clear that they wanted different things - for now, at least. Of course, in the future, she would want to be with him. She'd love for them to have a family together. A house full of puffy-faced, freckled, redheaded babies. She would love that, of course she would. But not now, not yet.

Maybe he was right. Obviously the universe had other plans for them.

This could tear them apart, and she wasn't ready to lose him. Because she would, wouldn't she? If she got rid of this baby, that would be the end. He would never forgive her, no matter how hard he tried. Things would never go back to normal.

But normal wasn't even an option if she kept the baby.

The baby. _Their _baby. She couldn't help but smile at the thought. It was a crazy thought, but she couldn't deny that it was a nice thought. But… in the future. It was a thought for the future, not for now. They weren't ready! Not to even mention the fact that her parents would kill the both of them.

Maybe they could do it. _Maybe_ this baby would be the best thing that would ever happen to them. But she couldn't just go on maybes. Because maybe he would fall out of love with her; maybe he would end up hating her one day. Who was she to know?

Jay gave her hope. He did. But she'd seen her parents go up and down for years, and she knew that every time her mother had a hint of hope that things would change - it wouldn't. And she didn't want to be her mother. She couldn't be her mother, she couldn't!

But could she be _a_ mother? A _good _mother? She wants to think that she would be. She would love her baby, but a baby needed more than love. It needed security. It needed a roof over it's head, food on the table….could she give it that?

Jay thinks they could. But she was living in the real world and she knew it wouldn't be as easy as he was trying to make out. It would be so hard but he didn't seem to see it that way.

It was the buzzing of her phone that broke her out of her thoughts.

_**Lola calling.**_

She didn't realize that she'd hoped it was Jay until she saw that it wasn't. He couldn't even be bothered to call her after the bombshell she'd literally dropped into his hands. And he wanted her to believe they could raise a baby together?

A few seconds passed before she rejected her best friend's call. She couldn't talk to her right now. It would probably about the missing money anyway and she had better things to think about.

The phone buzzed again, just seconds later.

_**Lola calling.**_

She sighed, rejecting the call again and switching her phone off before wiping at the dried tears against her skin before she walked in the opposite direction of the caravan. She couldn't face any of them. All the arguing wasn't something she wanted to deal with. So much for a fun holiday, she thought.

It was an hour later when she heard Dexter calling out her name. She'd ended up at the lake, and had just sat there ever since. It was peaceful and she'd had time to get her head together without anyone else's input. As much as she loved Jay, she had to think about herself as well as him and their baby.

Their baby. Even in her head, it had began to sound right. Clearly, she'd lost her mind.

"Abs! There you are. We've been lookin' all over for you, cuz. What are you doing down here?" Dexter questioned, now right next to her.

"...Abs?" He spoke again, when she didn't bother to answer him.

The blonde put on her best fake smile as she glanced up at him. "Just… enjoying the quiet."

"Abi, come on, you know I'm sorry about what I sa-"

"I know, Dext. I know." She interrupted, not in the mood for a half-assed apology. She stood up, wiping down her dress and flashing him another forced smile. "What's going on"?

"Have you seen Jay?"

Her heart stopped.

"Uh….No. No, not since…..Not since earlier."

"Well, can you call him? He's not answering me."

"Doubt he'd answer me right now either." She shrugged, causing her cousin to sigh. She didn't appreciate the pity in his eyes.

"Look, Abi….Whatever you two are going through right now, you'll get through it."

"I don't kn-"

"I do know. You're Jay and Abi, alright? You're always going to be Jay and Abi. That's, like, written in stone somewhere. So get it together because I need my friends, yeah?"

This time, it was a true smile that spread across her features. Albeit a sad one, but still. Dexter's words gave her a little more faith in everything.

"Yeah... Hasn't he come back to the caravan?"

"Not since you both stormed off earlier, no."

"Oh….Have you, uh, checked everywhere? The pub?"

"The pub! I'll go check now. Give him a call and let me know though, okay?"

"Okay." And with that, he left and she was alone again. She wondered where he was...He'd probably just gone to get some alone time like she had. She saw no reason why he would go to the pub, but at least it got Dexter off her case for a bit.

She pulled out her phone, switching it back on. More missed calls from Lola, texts from Dexter...nothing from the one person she wanted more than anything at that moment. She let out a sigh, before opening a new text.

_**I'm an idiot. x**_

…..No signal. Brilliant.

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><p>Not too much happening in this chapter, but things are definitely about to spice up;) Make sure to follow, favourite, andor review! Much appreciated.


	3. Chapter 3

"Abi! Finally, I've been calling you non-stop."

Abi had returned to the caravan, once she'd calmed herself down. She didn't need Lola figuring out something was up until she was ready to tell her. Right now, her and Jay were the only people who needed to know.

Where was he, anyway? She was expecting him to be here, but it looked like it was just Lola.

"Yeah, sorry, my phone died." She lied with a shrug. "Where is everyone?"

"Cindy and Peter went to the shop, Dext went to find you and Jay."

"Well, he found me..."

"Jay's not with you? Where is he?"

Abi just shrugged, feeling the tears forming behind her eyes. They'd just found out that she was pregnant and he'd gone and disappeared.

"...Is everything okay, Abs?"

She blinked her tears back, forcing a smile. "Fine. Everything's fine..I'm gonna go shower."

And without another word, ignoring Lola confusedly calling her back, she locked herself in the small bathroom.

Where she could cry. Again.

She quickly started the shower up and undressed. Within seconds, she was standing under the water. The tears she'd been holding back were now freely running down her face. Her poor mascara really had been through it today, she thought.

Wiping her tears away, or at least trying to, she managed to catch her breath. She had to pull herself together; crying all the time was going to do nobody any good. Glancing down to reach for the shampoo, she suddenly imagined herself with a bump. That was when it hit her. This was actually real; it was actually happening.

Whether she liked it or not, this was _their _child. Her and Jay's. Could she really be the one to put a stop to that before it even began? Sure, it would be hard. It would be so, so, so hard. It could be the worst thing that had ever happened to them. But….but it could also be the best thing. It could be the best thing in the world. And she didn't have to go to university, not straight away. Plenty of people take time out, gap years and what not, so she could take a few years off to raise their baby. Then she could back, finish her education, and become a vet. After all, what was the rush?

Her priorities were quickly changing, the more she thought about it. Which was scary, because all she'd ever dreamt of was being a vet. That was it for her and now… now, all of a sudden, this one little thing happened and all that had changed. It didn't seem as important anymore.

She must have spent a good half hour in the shower, her mind running wild with what could be. When she'd first realized she could be pregnant, she saw no other option than getting rid of it. But now she didn't know what she was going to do.

After getting herself changed into a comfy pair of leggings and a loose jumper, she quickly dried her hair before shoving it up in a messy ponytail. Once she'd re-applied some light make up, she went back to join Lola in the sitting area. Her best friend was busy talking to Peter, and Abi assumed from the music coming from one of the bedrooms that Cindy was back too. But there was no sign of Jay or Dexter, which caused her to frown.

"Alright, Abs?" Lola's soft voice, filled with underlying concern and apprehension, snapped her out of her thoughts.

"What? Oh, yeah, I'm….I'm fine. Is Jay not back?"

"He's outside with Dexter." Peter answered.

She forced herself to smile, sucking in a breath before heading out the door where she found Dexter and Jay sitting the patio. They were obviously talking about something, but had both gone silent when they turned and saw her.

"Jay, have you got a minute?" She asked immediately, forcing the words from her mouth.

"Actually, we were just going to the office. See if any other 'vans have been burgled." He stood, not bothering to look at her which caused her heart to drop. She noticed Dexter sent him a disapproving glare, but she couldn't put her finger on why he would do so. Unless Jay….unless he'd told him.

"That's a good idea, I'll come too." Peter's voice startled her slightly, and she turned to see him and Lola stood in the doorway behind her. As Peter passed her, she blinked back the tears that stung behind her eyelids which didn't stop Lola's worried glances at all.

There wasn't another word said before the three boys had walked off. Once they were out of hearing distance, Lola was by her side.

"Right, what's goin' on?"

She turned to her, meeting her best friend's eyes and bursting into tears. Lola's arms were around her within seconds, soothingly mumbling words of comfort.

"I messed up, Lo. I really messed up!"

Lola led her back inside, and the two of them sat down as she continued to sob into the other blonde's shoulder. Jay wouldn't even look at her now. How was she supposed to make things right unless he'd listen to her? How were they supposed to get through this if it wasn't together? She needed him and all he could do was give her the silent treatment because she'd panicked and didn't think everything through properly.

They were turning out to be _great _parents already.

Once she eventually ran out of tears to cry, she took a sip of the water Lola had got for her. She was sitting there patiently waiting for her to admit what was causing her to be in such a state, and just when they both thought she was going to talk, Cindy came out of the bedroom.

"...Woah. What's going on?"

"Get out of here, Cindy!" Lola shouted in frustration.

"What? Where are the guys?"

"Office. Now go."

"Where am I supposed to go exactly?"

"Anywhere!"

And with that, the younger brunette had huffed and stormed out of the caravan.

"Right...Now that _she's _out of the way, are you going to tell me what's the hell's going on?"

Abi sucked in a breath, her bottom lip quivering. "I'm pregnant."

"What?! Oh my God, Abs.."

"And now….Jay won't even talk to me and…"

"That's why he's havin' a pout?! The little prat!"

"No, he's…._having a pout _because I said I'd…."

"...Said you'd what?"

"Have an abortion."

Lola went silent, letting out a sympathetic sigh after a moment. Abi wasn't sure she even wanted to know what her friend was thinking, but she only hoped she would be understanding with being a young mum herself. But she knew that Lola had never even considered an abortion when she found out she was pregnant with Lexi, and that she'd gotten angry whenever someone so much as implied that she should have.

"Well….if you're sure that's what you want, Abs, he has to accept it."

Despite Lola's words, she couldn't help but wonder if she genuinely thought that or if she was just saying so. With all the doubts and second thoughts floating around in her head at the moment, it was hard to recognize how she actually felt.

"...You think I'm a horrible person, don't you?!"

"No! No, no, of course not. Look, you know how much I adore Lexi. I wouldn't change her for the world, she's….she's the best thing in my life and if someone gave me the chance to go back? Never sleep with Ben, or get an abortion, whatever? I wouldn't even consider it. But it's your decision, Abi. You're the one who's going to have to carry it for nine months, give birth, live with the judgemental looks from old ladies..That's all you, not Jay. Of course he should have a say, and you guys need to talk about this properly but… but at the end of the day, I'll support you whatever you choose. And I _know _that Jay will too."

Abi didn't say anything. It was times like this that she was glad she had Lola by her side. If anyone was going to be able to give her a real view on how hard motherhood could be, it would be Lola. And yet, it was so obvious that Lexi to everything to her despite how much she'd struggled. Abi would like to think that she would, too. She would have support in Jay, Lola, Lauren, her family...Jay had a steady job, and she could get one when the time was right. They could do this, couldn't they? And they _would _be okay.

"So… are you _sure _you want an abortion?"

"...No."

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><p>Next chapter is Jay's side of things, and that should be posted sooner rather than later! Make sure to review, follow, favourite...Let me know what you think:)<p> 


	4. Chapter 4

Abi never thought she'd be so happy to see Walford. But the holiday had pretty much been the holiday from hell.

Not too long after her conversation with Lola, the boys had returned with the news that none of the other caravans had been robbed. Which led Cindy to the conclusion that Kitty and her Dad had stolen the money. And that was how they ended up stealing back the car they were supposed to have sold.

It was a welcome distraction, that would slip away whenever Jay avoided talking to her. How were they supposed to work things out if he wouldn't even look at her? So much for getting through this together.

But now they were home and it suddenly felt all too real. Phil Mitchell was glaring at them, demanding to talk to Jay and Dexter, so she took the opportunity to slip away whilst Lola talked to (see: flirted with) Peter. Deciding she couldn't face going home, knowing her Dad and Lauren would probably be there. She hadn't quite figured out how she was going to keep the truth from them yet.

Instead of making her way to the Branning residence, she headed towards the square. And suddenly, she was fourteen again and sitting on a bench falling for a boy eating half of the chippy. She didn't even know that she was falling for him. But it was the first time she'd properly _seen _him and she never wants to forget that feeling. That, suddenly, Ben's not-brother was more than that. He was _Jay_. And it didn't take long for _**Jay **_to be all she ever wanted. All she would ever want.

She was suddenly overwhelmed as it hit her that she wasn't fourteen with a crush on a boy a little older than her anymore; she was seventeen and pregnant with his baby. She sat on the bench, taking a deep breath. Her mind went back to her conversation with Lola. Her friend had urged her to talk to Jay, but the longer he ignored her, the harder it seemed to get. And she knew he'd gotten her text, he'd just chose to dismiss it and then her. She couldn't even speak to him last night; she knew he wasn't really asleep but she just couldn't bring herself to try and talk to him. So she'd turned over so that her back was to his, and tried to fall asleep. She wasn't sure if she had slept at all, honestly. But they were home now, and that would undoubtedly make it easier for the two of them to avoid each other.

But she couldn't let that happen. She couldn't let them fall apart over this - she needed him now more than ever! It wasn't her fault he was a stubborn so and so who couldn't take an apology. Even if said apology had been over text. But, if text was the only way to get through to him, then that was she was going to have to do. She sighed, pulling out her phone.

_Come over later, we need 2 talk. _

She hesitated.

_Come over later, we need 2 talk…..I love you. x_

**MESSAGE SENT; Jay**

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><p>He heard his phone buzzing in his pocket, notifying him of a text, but it was drowned out by Phil and Dexter's screaming. He had better things to worry about than Phil's money and, as far as he was concerned, it was all Dexter's fault anyway. He wasn't really sure how yet, but even if he did, he couldn't exactly pin it on him. Not when he knew what he knew.<p>

After avoiding Abi since she'd walked away from him, all he'd felt was guilt. He'd gone to the pub just to clear his head, give her some space….he hadn't indented for anything to happen. He was upset - she was going to get rid of their kid, for crying out loud! Didn't he have a right to be upset about that? And the fact that she assumed he would be okay with it…..It killed him.

Now, he knew that he just should have gone after her. Because, after that, he could barely look her in the eye. Not because of what she'd said, but because of what he'd _done_. It was his own guilt that was killing him now. And he knew how wrong it was to take that out on her, he knew that she probably thought he was putting her off because of the pregnancy. But what difference did it make, really? She wasn't keeping it. They'd obviously have to talk about it sooner or later, but… even if he didn't think she would go through with it, he also knew that when she had her mind set on something, that was that. Before all of this, he thought he knew her so well. Maybe she would prove him wrong in the worst way possible.

Once Phil had let them go, Dexter was rambling on about it and Jay wasn't sure what had even just had happened. All he could think about was her.

He loved her more than anything. Knew her better than anyone, trusted her with his life. And all he wanted was to make her happy. To love her, protect her, for as long as she would let him do so. He couldn't lose her. Especially not because he was a stubborn idiot.

But what could he do? He couldn't be okay with her having an abortion. And he'd made a huge, huge, mistake. Two wrongs don't make a right - he definitely understands that now. He would just have to pull himself together and move on. She never had to find out and he...he'd have to find a way to understand her.

"Jay? Jay, bruv, are you even listening?"

"I seriously have bigger things to worry about, Dext."

"Jay, I -"

"Just leave it, yeah?"

And with that, he stormed off home. His head was all over the place and, frankly, he didn't care about Phil's stupid money. He needed to talk to Abi.

As he fell onto the sofa, he sighed and pulled his phone from his pocket. Two missed calls and a text from Abi.

He frowned; he couldn't wait for later. But he couldn't go see her in the state they were both in.

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><p>Abi had fallen asleep as she'd got home and shut herself away in her room. She was exhausted, physically and mentally. The past few days had been an emotional rollercoaster. Maybe the hormones were taking over already.<p>

When she woke up a few hours later, the first thing she did was check her phone. Nothing. Apparently, they still weren't talking.

But actual sleep had refreshed her, and she wasn't about to let this go. She forced herself up off the bed and called Jay, praying he'd pick up.

"Hiya."

"...Seriously? That's all you have to say to me? Didn't you get my messages?"

"I got them..I'm sorry for being so daft."

"I reckon we were both pretty daft..." When there was nothing but silence, she continued. "_Please_ come over."

"Are we gonna actually talk this time or are you just gonna lose your 'ed?"

"Well, I **_am_ **pregnant."

Jay laughed, but it was the voice behind her that stole her attention.

"- You're _what_?!"

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><p>Short chapter, but who do you think overheard!? Let me know by leaving a review!<p> 


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